yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
