Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
