Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
