i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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