Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
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You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
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30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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