I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
