There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
