I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
