Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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