We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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