Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
