Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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