His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
