Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
