I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
