I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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