i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
