I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
