I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
