i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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