Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
