At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have demons in me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize