I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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