he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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