I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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