moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
