just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
