i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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