if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I understand Curling. That high.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
