he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
