Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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