i just wanna soil my oats bro
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
