ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I cockslap morals
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
