im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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