After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
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Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
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He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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