I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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