If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
