My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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