I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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