why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
