what day is it and did you see me today?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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