but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
