A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
