My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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