Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
