Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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