as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Come see our sink grown plant.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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