i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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