dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
