doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize