I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
