when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
