I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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