You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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