Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
