I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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