Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
