I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
