I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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