Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
