do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
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Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
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When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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