I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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