it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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