On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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